W10 Marital Dynamics

 

  1.  Relationship Needs Circle

    When we experience negative relationship behavior, it is very difficult to look deeply into the lives of others. Rather, it is natural to respond negatively and assign exaggerated (and harmful) meanings to certain behaviors. While it is true that some behavior truly is motivated by selfishness and evil, that is not the norm in most marriages. Whenever we assign an exaggerated meaning to these behaviors, it has a negative effect on how we view and feel about our partner.

    Here are some examples of negative, exaggerated meanings:

    • “If he really loved me, he wouldn’t…”
    • “If she respected me, she wouldn’t…”
    • “If he really cared, he would…”

    Although these comments are simple, these are dangerous sentences (even if they only show up in your mind) that can have a significant negative effect on your marriage. Remember, it is by small and simple things that great things come to pass. That refers to both positive and negative things.

    To help you understand what motivates poor relationship behavior, read this article The Relationship Needs Circle: A Way to Understand and Improve Bad Relationship Behavior.Links to an external site. In the article, you will learn about The Relationship Needs Circle, which is a powerful framework to help understand and respond to negative behavior. As you review this article, reflect on the case study that you were asked to read in the week's introduction.

    If you would like to gain more insight into some of the theory behind The Relationship Needs Circle, you may review these optional articles:

    3. The Personal Power Grid

    The Personal Power Grid was first introduced in the context of business and the workplace by Dennis Jaffe and Cynthia Scott (1984, 1988). However, the framework goes far beyond business. It really is an adaptive tool that can help us understand our own behavior and feelings, as well as interpersonal relationships. You might summarize the Personal Power Grid as a visual description of what is often called the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

    In this article, There is a right and a wrong way to help others change. I recommend you Choose the Right,Links to an external site. the Personal Power Grid is used to understand how we can be more helpful in the context of marriage.

  2. OPTIONAL: If you would like to delve deeper into the RAM, consider reviewing A Qualitative Examination of the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) with Married IndividualsLinks to an external site. theoretical overview of the RAM starting with "The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM)" on page 59 of the PDF through the section titled "The Current Study" (ending on page 95).

If you would like to gain more insight into some of the theory behind The Relationship Needs Circle, you may review these optional articles:


REMEMBER:
*Unmet needs make ones behaviors harder to control.
*Respond to the unmet need because you cannot change or fix someone else.

>CORE Emotional Needs:
Security
Acceptance
Growth
Progress
Love
Connection
Competence
Autonomy (The ability to act for yourself and not be controlled)

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