W8 Marital Dynamics

 To Do:

*watch and analyze Fireproof

*finish Chpt. 5 Fighting for your Marriage

  1. Download the attachment: Gottman Scenarios.
  2. The document lists five couple interactions or scenarios from Gottman's book.
  3. Read each scenario.
  4. Out to the side of each husband/wife response, list your observations using Gottman terminology of what is going on in that specific husband/wife response. (You can comment in Word.) Some husband/wife responses may not require a label at all, while other responses may require multiple labels.
  5. Some responses may be hard to distinguish from each other (for example, criticism or contempt).
    • When this is the case, don't get too caught up into identifying exactly what the response is.
    • Label the response according to your best judgment.
    • Some responses may be difficult to label without knowing the context in which it was said.
    • For example, was a comment stated in a friendly or mean-spirited manner?
    • Again, use your judgment. With many of the responses, there is not a definite right or wrong answer.

Notes

The first page provides an example using the scenario Rita and Mack. As you will see, the second page lists the same scenario. Use the example to compare how you labeled each husband/wife response.

Gottman Terminology

The following observations are likely to be made:

  • Positive sentiment override
  • Negative sentiment override
  • Bad memories
  • Flooding
  • Complaint
  • Criticism
  • Contempt
  • Defensiveness
  • Stonewalling
  • Harsh startup
  • Repair attempt
  • Successful repair attempt
  • Failed repair attempt

Teach a Friend 

Now that you've studied the scenarios, ask a friend (or two) to spend some time with you to complete this assignment. Perhaps you can invite them to dinner and make a fun evening out of it! Or arrange a time to discuss with a family member in person or by phone.  

  1. Explain to your friend that you are learning to identify communication issues and want to share what you are learning. 
  2. Read one or more of the scenarios and lead a discussion about the issues you found. 
  3. Explain your findings using Gottman terminology. Be ready to explain what each term means. 
  4. Ask whether your friend noticed any issues that you missed and discuss his/her discoveries.
  5. That's it! A fun and relaxed assignment to let you to prepare, ponder, and share what you are learning.

Optional Reading

  1. Time OutsLinks to an external site. (After opening the linked page "The New Rules of Marriage" by Terrence Real, scroll down to #19.)
  2. "Getting Our Hearts Right"Links to an external site.
  3. Fighting for your Marriage, Chapters 2 and 4Links to an external site. (NOTE: This link is for the 1st edition, which is obviously less current. It is recommended that you check your local library to see if they have the 3rd edition of this very helpful book.)
  4. "The Tongue of Angels"Links to an external site. by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland.  April 2007 General Conference.

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