Parenting Week 14

 >Proper discipline is a matter of a proper attitude.

I am not going to lie, my eyes got really big when the man in the video said to say, "because I said so". The beginning of the video was pretty good but drastically went down hill. Almost everything the man was saying goes against what we were taught this semester. The man in the video had a very strong "us versus them" mentality. He felt that the best way to get (doing to) a child to obey was to enforce your power over the child otherwise you will be seen as weak. His mindset is very fixed on what he wants from the child rather than having a growth mindset that allows the child to have more choice. I think that this man knows that when you allow children to choose, they often choose what is easy or convenient. If that were not the case, then this man himself would not be choosing to not explain because explaining is the more difficult path, so it is easier to control children with very few words, rather than take the time to explain things.

(Mindset by Carol Dweck)

It is clear that the man in the video felt that children are objects to be controlled and that misbehavior in children makes them an obstacle to overcome. I can see all of his techniques becoming a collusion cycle. Afterall, he was relying on power to get what he wanted and whenever you do that, you are inviting the other person to rally their troops to defend themselves through power and force. When you see children as people, you are more likely to try to get on their level (physically and emotionally). The man in the video is definitely suffering from a "better than" and/or "need-to-be-seen-as" justification box.

(The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute)

It is clear that the man in the video does not want you to listen and learn from children because he told us to make our expectations perfectly clear and in the same breath said not to explain ourselves, relying on "because I said so" to clear up any confusion this contradiction may create. Actually, I would say that the man in the video violated every level of the pyramid except for the very top level. Afterall, you cannot build a relationship with a child, if you refuse to get on their level. Furthermore, you cannot build a relationship or properly listen to those around you if you are constantly looking and acting and talking with authority, instead of inviting warmth, compassion, and open-ness.

(The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute)

Everything in the video was focused on what you can do to get your child to listen instead of how to work with children that are not listening. I think it all comes down to patience. Satan wanted to force everyone to do what was right in the war in heaven because that is the easier and/or faster path. It is easier to get children to obey then it is to make sure that they are internally motivated and responsible. When you force a child to obey, you feel like you are helping children to avoid poor decisions but it is wrong to take away a child's freedom to choose. Working with a child means you guide them towards what is right and help them weigh the pros and cons of the choice that is ultimately theirs to make.

(Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn)

I feel like if you want to transmit values you have, you need to have some sort of discussion. But it is impossible to have a discussion with someone who demands your compliance. Furthermore, a discussion implies that both parties participate in talking and you cannot get anywhere with someone that is focused on their authority over you and does not explain themselves. Additionally, to transmit something you must first obtain it yourself. If I demand respect but do not give it, then I am not transmitting anything but a collusion. The only positive outlook I found in the video above was when the man said that proper discipline is a matter of a proper attitude. I full heartedly agree that you cannot get anywhere without the proper attitude. Which is why it was astounding that the man in the video then went on to explain the opposite of a proper attitude towards children. The proper attitude changes your way of being towards others for the better. 

(The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute)