Parenting Week 12
GOALS:
By the end of Week 12, you should understand the following:
- Why and how to focus on solutions rather than problems in raising children.
REMEMBER:
- Reconsider Your Request
- Put the Relationship First
- Love Must Be Unconditional
- Change How You See, Not Just How You Act
- Be Authentic
- Talk Less, Ask More
- Attribute to Children the Best Possible Motive Consistent With the Facts
- Try to Say "Yes" When You Can
- Don't Be Rigid
- Whenever Possible, Let Kids Decide
These 10 principles, if properly understood, can really enhance our knowledge and understanding of the Influence Pyramid.
Some parents try to dismiss or even criticize emotional expressions in their children. However, this only teaches the child to mistrust their feelings and not know how to handle negative emotions in the future. In short, we want our children to be responsible for their emotions and the actions that can accompany such emotions. Children need to learn to do hard things even when they are not feeling like doing it. But demanding this can build resentment toward the enforcer and the associated activity.
We lose our right to the Lord’s Spirit and to whatever authority we have from God when we exercise control over another person in an unrighteous manner. We may think such methods are for the good of the one being 'controlled.' But anytime we try to compel someone to righteousness who can and should be exercising his or her own moral agency, we are acting unrighteously."
"Only upon the Principles of Righteousness," Elder Larry Y. Wilson
- How we see and regard our children is more important than the words we say and the discipline used.
- Focusing on character is far more exhausting and difficult and effective than focusing on behavior.
- Working with children is preferable to doing things to them.
- Soft hearts and strong relationships invite us to see situations and children more clearly rather than just behavioral corrections
*These ideas are so simple but so difficult because they demand us to stay out of the box and see our children as people, even when we are tired or feel like our needs are not being met.
Elder Russell M. Ballard: Don’t think you have to try to fix everything or solve everything during these visits. Most of the time, the best thing you can do is just listen. Fathers who listen more than they talk find that their sons share more about what is really going on in their lives.
"What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?" Elder Lynn G. Robbins
"We have all heard the advice to condemn the sin and not the sinner. Likewise, when our children misbehave, we must be careful not to say things that would cause them to believe that what they did wrong is who they are. 'Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,' with its attendant labels like 'stupid, 'slow,' 'lazy,' or 'clumsy.' Our children are God’s children. That is their true identity and potential. His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. Disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent...
> "if a child feels respected, they'll often act more responsibly in general." I have never thought about it too much but it makes sense that respect and responsibility go hand in hand. I have heard people say that they don't give out respect until they receive it first and I think that that strategy will get you nowhere. I will acknowledge that it is much more difficult to respect people that are trying to force or control you.
What is the difference between focusing on consequences versus solutions?
- In the reading, when the second grade class was focusing on consequences, the student that was in trouble did not feel good. When that same student was involved in thinking about solutions, she began to feel better. This scenario works in a lot of workplace situations too. It makes sense that people (not just children) act better when they feel better.
What have you learned about your own unhealthy reactions to others' emotional expressions and outbursts and what can you do about it?
- I have always felt that I have done pretty well at keeping my calm and striving to diffuse intense situations but this class has taught me that I could do much better. Conflict is a lot easier to handle out of the box rather than in the box. Plus I have been treating certain people with a fixed mindset so that has not been helpful. Hopefully with practice, I can get better at listening to hear instead of listening to respond.
- I can see the difficulty of getting rid of bribes and punishments because what are you left with? Choice; when the ball is left completely in your child's court that sounds terrifying. What if they choose wrong? But I suppose that is just me having a fixed mindset that mistakes aren't opportunities. I do not want my child to feel like just because they have made a mistake they are a failure, and not even letting someone try things by themselves, gives the impression that you don't trust them or that they are incapable. I can see this happening in something small like what my daughter wears. My sister and I got picked on for high waters or mismatching clothes so I have been picking my daughter's clothes for her. Since this class I have learned to hold up two or three options and let her choose or she chooses the shirt and I choose the pants. I am sure that my daughter and I will have some disagreements in the future because she is only two but hopefully she will understand that I just want the best for her.
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