Parenting Week 11
GOALS:
*Look into buying Positive Discipline and/or Positive Time-Outs
>TRY TO UNDERSTAND GOD'S PARENTING STYLE: Understanding our Father's parenting style requires faith, diligence, obedience, and humility (see D&C 130:18–19). All parents must be careful not to wrest the scriptures (see Alma 13:30; 41:1) to fit their perspective.
Study D&C 88:34–35
"Now I would that ye should see that they brought upon themselves the curse; and even so doth every man that is cursed bring upon himself his own condemnation."
"And thus we see that the Spirit of the Lord began to withdraw from the Nephites, because of the wickedness and the hardness of their hearts.
And thus we see that the Lord began to pour out his Spirit upon the Lamanites, because of their easiness and willingness to believe in his words."
"And now remember, remember, my brethren, that whosoever perisheth, perisheth unto himself; and whosoever doeth iniquity, doeth it unto himself; for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free."
"But behold, it sorroweth me because of the fourth generation from this generation, for they are led away captive by him even as was the son of perdition; for they will sell me for silver and for gold, and for that which moth doth corrupt and which thieves can break through and steal. And in that day will I visit them, even in turning their works upon their own heads."
"I, the Lord, have suffered the affliction to come upon them, wherewith they have been afflicted, in consequence of their transgressions;"
"Ye call upon my name for revelations, and I give them unto you; and inasmuch as ye keep not my sayings, which I give unto you, ye become transgressors; and justice and judgment are the penalty which is affixed unto my law."
"The Transforming Power of Faith and Character," Elder Richard G. Scott
"An axiom we all understand is that you get what you pay for. That is true for spiritual matters as well. You get what you pay for in obedience, in faith in Jesus Christ, in diligent application of the truths you learn. What you get is the molding of character, the growth in capacity, and the successful completion of your mortal purpose to be proven and to have joy."
Some Latter-day Saints assume that if and then statements are evidence of God's use of rewards and punishments to get us to obey. This assumption is correct but incomplete. God is not a mortal employing telestial laws for our exaltation. Parents must be wary of looking at celestial law through a fallen lens. It is similar to looking through the wrong end of binoculars. (see Alma 42:22-24
You will begin to see:
- When, why, and how often our Father in Heaven punishes.
- How different God's punishment is from mortal forms of punishment.
You will also better understand more traditional pitfalls and philosophies that inhibit our parenting and our children. Finally, you will gain insight into the reasons why you are held back from becoming an unconditional parent who is focused more on becoming than merely doing.
| MAN'S WAYS | GOD'S WAYS | |
| MOTIVES | ||
| TIMING/DURATION | ||
| EXECUTION/IMPLEMENTATION | ||
| GOAL | ||
| CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE |
REMEMBER:
* Some research (see "Dan Pink: The puzzle of motivation") has found that for low-level, non-thinking tasks, rewards can be quite useful.
>The only motivation that matters is seeing ourselves as we really are and knowing the Savior well enough to access His grace to change us. It really comes down to a love of God and of our fellowman.
-Another lesson is that many tennis students think merely hitting the ball within bounds is the end goal. Yet this leads to a lot of bad techniques and habits that are quite limiting. The goal should be improving the technique, the form, and the strategy along with accuracy and consistency."
Elder Robbins defines punishment in this way: (Emphasis added.)
"How do parents teach these attributes to their children? We will never have a greater opportunity to teach and show Christlike attributes to our children than in the way we discipline them. Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple and implies patience and teaching on our part. It should not be done in anger."
Patience comes from a heart at peace toward our child and teaching comes from our effective listening and learning.
punishing children has these effects in the video above:
- It makes people mad.
- It models the use of power.
- It eventually loses its effectiveness.
- It erodes relationships.
- It distracts kids from the important issues.
- It makes kids more self-centered.
"Many parents think that when they judge and punish, they are teaching, as in 'I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget." What are they teaching? They are teaching their children that if they go against the parents' rules or values, they'll be judged and punished. They're not teaching their children how to think through the issues and come to ethical, mature decisions on their own. And chances are, they're not teaching their children that the channels of communication are open... It's not that growth-minded parents indulge and coddle their children. Not at all. They set high standards, but they teach the children how to reach them. They say no, but it's a fair, thoughtful, and respectful no. Next time you're in a position to discipline, ask yourself, What is the message I'm sending here: I will judge and punish you? Or I will help you think and learn?
Note that punishment is often associated with judgment. We may become the police, the lawyer, the judge, and the jury. But if we are following Elder Wilson's counsel from our last lesson, we want our children to eventually police and accurately judge themselves...that is, to get along without us.
it is wise to always examine ourselves (see Alma 5) and new ideas before throwing them out. Consider a few bold questions that parents could ask themselves when they have the thought "my parents used and I turned out ok!"
- How am I defining “ok”?
- Am I really “ok” and could I have been better with a more "working with" approach?
- Don’t I want more than “ok” for my children?
- If I am willing to potential truths because of my own biases, am I really ok? Might there be boxes involved?
- Is it possible that I turned out relatively unscathed in spite of, not because of, ?
Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, shared this about the long-term effects punishment can have on a child:
- Resentment: "This is unfair. I can't trust adults."
- Revenge: "They are winning now, but I'll get even."
- Rebellion: "I'll just do the opposite to prove I don't have to do it their way."
- Retreat:
- Sneakiness: "I won't get caught next time."
- Reduced Self-Esteem: "I'm a bad person."
God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of 'Thy will be done,' create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time."
"Where Is the Pavilion?" President Henry B. Eyring
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