Parenting Week 10

 Learning Objectives:

1. The unique challenges and opportunities in applying the Influence Pyramid to raising teenagers.
2. How the theory of behaviorism is so enticing and popular, but also short-sided and very flawed.
3. The various ways in which we control children with unhealthy and unintended results.
4. Why agency is so important in the development of any person and how to honor this God-given gift.

GOALS:

RE-READ Accessible - "The Parenting Pyramid"  Download Accessible - "The Parenting Pyramid")

watch again: Your TRUE Identity | ANASAZI | Foundation Transcript

Finish reading  "Talking with Your Teen

find a parent and ask them the following questions:

• When children are misbehaving, what is the easiest and most common thing parents address: themselves, their marriage, their relationship with their child, their teaching ability, or correcting the child?

A few more questions to ponder:

1. Is it possible that conditional love—the way Kohn is describing—could stem from self-betrayal? Why or why not?
2. Do you think that parents can be too controlling without realizing it? How so?
3. What boxes might parents be stuck in if they feel the need to try to control or compel their children's choices?

*READ:

"You have agency, and you are free to choose. But there is actually no free agency. Agency has its price. You have to pay the consequences of your choices."

"On the Wings of Eagles (Links to an external site.)," Dieter F. Uchtdorf

READ:

 "Moral Agency (Links to an external site.)."  Don't forget to mark this up so insights and impressions will be easier to remember.

Next, to help you apply this doctrine of agency to parenting, study Elder Larry Y. Wilson's talk titled, "Only upon the Principles of Righteousness (Links to an external site.)" (10:17 mins, Transcript (Links to an external site.)).

 What might have happened if they had done the following:

• Restricted their daughter from playing and lectured her about the Sabbath day?
• Bribed her to stay home from the game to keep the Sabbath day holy?
• Allowed her to choose but then gave her the "cold shoulder" when she chose to play?

REMEMBER:

Sometimes out of mercy the Lord lessens the natural consequences of our actions while we attempt to figure things out. Other times, He allows us to feel the full weight of our actions. The more parents understand how God's laws work and how they lead to positive or negative consequences, the better they are able to guide and teach their children in truth.

For example, if a parent overrides the natural consequences of their child's poor choices by inserting their own consequences (which only exist when the parent is around), then the child may not be able to recognize and work within God's laws (which always exist and are the pathway to progression)

You may be confused about the differences between consequences and punishments. Here is a great quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell's talk, "Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father (Links to an external site.)," that helps to clarify this:

"Sometimes [God] clearly directs; other times it seems He merely permits some things to happen. Therefore, we will not always understand the role of God’s hand, but we know enough of his heart and mind to be submissive. Thus when we are perplexed and stressed, explanatory help is not always immediately forthcoming, but compensatory help will be...

Courageous Parenting.  all of the ideas from Elder Lawrence are assuming that the parent is out of the box and has a good relationship with their child.

>I am asking my children to control their emotions when I still have a hard time with self-control.

* The fixed mindset transforms us and our children into objects to be acted upon, by comparison, natural gifts, and our circumstances.

>rewards and punishments are forms of correction

*A Parent's Guide- Parents should do all they can to ensure that what they require of their children is in accordance with His laws. Doing everything in your home the Lord’s way will enable your children to follow you in righteousness."

Younger children should not always feel the natural result of their choices because they are not old enough to understand it. But children who are at least 7 years old (see "In defence of situational morality: genetic, dispositional and situational determinants of children’s donating to charity (Links to an external site.)") or older are more developmentally ready to understand natural cause and effect.

Dr. Jane Nelsen explains how parents need to be careful not to take credit for the consequences their children experience by ignoring natural law:

“A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold. No piggybacking allowed! Adults piggyback when they lecture, scold, say ‘I told you so,’ or anything else that adds more blame, shame, or pain than the child might experience naturally from the experience.”

If a parent is piggybacking, what box might be inviting them to do that?

1. When a child misuses their agency, who is to blame? The parent or the child or neither?

• Do our children literally become objects to be acted upon when we use external bribes or threats to get them to move?

 "The Challenge to Become (Links to an external site.)":

“The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.”