Parenting Week 5

 Do You Prefer Growth or Comfort?

1. Engaging only in parenting practices that are comfortable, familiar, and allow you to feel confident. Avoiding giving your all because then there will always be an excuse as to why things didn't work out. Relying on external indicators such as children who are quick to obey, get good grades, have showy talents (e.g., music or sports), eagle scout awards, and missionary service because they make you feel successful as a parent. Perhaps even complaining, making excuses, and accusing when family life gets difficult and unexpected things happen.

2. Engaging in parenting ideas and practices that push you to learn, stretch, and stimulate growth. (Knowing you have a lot of room to improve and relishing the thought of actually improving.) Believing that your children have unlimited potential and can achieve almost anything with desire, dedication, hard work, and a lot of mistakes. Sees your challenging children as opportunities to learn and grow rather than impediments to happiness and peace. Encourages and appreciates obedience, good grades, and such, but doesn't necessarily need them in order to keep going with confidence.

If you saw yourself in both descriptions, you're not alone. Most people have a some or much of both in them. 

GOALS:

>Never stop trying to be qualified for my jobs.

>Instead of thinking that I am better than others, I need to say that I want to be, as good as, and focus on helping those that are living beneath their potential. If someone that has been living beneath their potential suddenly reached their potential, then I would no longer be ahead of them, so deep down we are all on the same level because we all have the same potential for good.

>No one is smarter than you, just more experienced

>Be honest with my children. I do not want to create a narcissist. My children should not think that they can do no wrong, but I also do not want them to think that I will love them less if they make a mistake.

>Write a paper:

3. Getting Stupid

Are there situations where you get stupid—where you disengage your intelligence?

1. Write a paragraph or two describing those situations and why you think you do it.
2. Think of the next time that is likely to happen, get yourself into a growth mindset
3. Write a paragraph or two thinking about those situations focusing on learning and improvement, not judgment. How might it change things?

4. Labeling your Kids or Roommates

Do you label your kids or roommates? "This one is the artist and that one is the scientist."

1. Write a paragraph or two about times when you did this and why it could be a sign of a fixed mindset.
2. Next time, remember that you're not helping them—even though you may be praising them. Remember the study where praising kids' ability lowered their IQ scores.
3. Write a paragraph or two describing a growth-mindset way to compliment them.

>take emotional risks and be grateful for emotional challenges

>FINISH week 5 essay:

3. Responding to Mistakes

Watch and listen to yourself carefully when the children around you mess up. Remember that constructive criticism is feedback that help the child understand how to fix something. It's not feedback that labels or simply excuses the child.

1. Write a paragraph or two regarding your typical thoughts and words that come when a child messes up.
2. Now write a paragraph or two about different thoughts and responses to future "mess-ups" and why this would be more effective.

4. Setting Goals for Children

Parents often set goals their children can work toward. Remember that having innate talent is not a goal.

1. Write a paragraph or two describing why expanding skills and knowledge are more effective goals than innate talent.
2. Now write a paragraph or two regarding your own goals. Is your goal approach focused on innate talent or knowledge and skills through effort?

REMEMBER: confidence= love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort and lifelong learner

>to avoid the fixed mindset= when children complete something fast or without any mistakes, we should tell them that that was too easy and apologize for wasting their time because they didn't learn much.

>success is not given to you

• response bias. This simply means that what we say and what we know is not always reflected in what we do.
• A growth mindset kills the natural man and the apathy and anxiety that comes from the fixed mindset.

the nature and consistency of how one acts reveals in a powerful way his or her true character."

• Satan is delighted when we beat ourselves up into despair or try to bolster our pride (aka fixed mindset) 

Mindset Chapter 2:

Fixed mindset= glamorous career and marriage but nothing too hard or risky. 

(Entitlement, proving, validating). 

They want to feel perfect and special (CEO disease)

A fixed mindset's idea of smart= fast, easy, no mistakes, better than others

They believe that effort is for those that don't have ability

Growth mindset= gratitude, stretching, developing, challenge, become, eternal, honest (praise should involve these words). 

The growth mindset allows people to value what they're doing regardless of the outcome.

In the world there are learners and non-learners.

    >Benjamin Barber

*failure is an action, not an identity. It is an opportunity not a condemnation.

fixed mindset= if success means you're smart then failure means you're dumb

If you don't try, if you don't prepare, if you didn't work as hard as you could have and you don't win then you have an excuse. Nothing is harder than saying I gave it my all and it wasn't good enough.

1. What did you learn about yourself?
2. Were you thinking of how others you know struggle? Or were you seeking for more self-awareness?
3. What application does this have to parenting?

When we complain, make excuses, point fingers, or avoid challenges, we are halting our progress individually and as a family (see 1 Nephi 16 (Links to an external site.)). 

A fixed mindset revokes one's agency. We become victims/ objects to be acted on by others, our circumstances, and our life......this mindset need the outcome, the results now.

David A. Bednar said: We determine whether we are chosen. He has spelled out the requirements. Will we hear and heed and live up to those spiritual requirements and expectations?........this is proof that agency is one of the most important doctrines of the church.

Misbehavior stems from unmet needs.

Children learn that their mistakes are worthy of judgement and punishment

OR they learn that their mistakes are an occassion for suggestions and teaching

*children that are abused for crying become angry and may try to hit other children that are crying.

*Is a growth minded parent ever disappointed in their child?